I sat. #SOL

Today, I sat. I sat for three hours. Teachers aren’t supposed to sit, but yet I did.

I sat and watched my students struggle through our first day of state testing.

I sat and watched them rub their eyes because of facing a computer screen for three hours.

I sat and watched them put their heads down for a couple of minutes to give themselves a

break because we can’t let them take one. I mean, sixth graders will totally tell each other

the answers.

I sat and watched my students do chair push ups and squeeze their arms and hands so

they would stay focused.

I sat and watched my student who doesn’t get enough to eat try to stay awake and

focused on his test.

I sat and watched my students cry because they couldn’t figure out the answers.

I sat and watched.

I sat.

I sat and prayed.

I sat and prayed for the people who make my students and all students around our

country sit through these tests instead of learning.

I prayed for my students to know that they are more than a test score.

I sat and prayed that they know how proud I am of them each and every day.

I sat and prayed that they give their best effort no matter how tired they are.

I sat and prayed for my student to find someone next year who will help him get the

food and care he needs.

I sat and prayed for my students’ families because I don’t know everything that goes

on in their lives.

I sat and prayed for me to be the best teacher I can be for my students for our last

twenty-one days together.

I sat and prayed for my students and me to be kind and respectful to each other.

I sat and prayed.

I sat.

I sat and smiled.

Decisions #SOL

I have missed SOL for the last bit. I missed last Tuesday because of internet issues at the beach, but I am back at it today.

I have always been awful at making decisions. I am so bad that I usually flip a coin to decide where to eat if we go out and I am forced to decide. I am so bad that I usually have a pile of 3-4 outfits on the bed and dresser every morning because I don't know what I want to wear. I am so bad that going shopping takes hours just to find a white blouse. I remember once around Easter when I was maybe 12 and my mom took me to the store to buy something with my babysitting money. I was so excited! My mom proceeded to get our groceries and left me to make my decision. She checked on me several times and I still hadn't decided which stuffed bear I wanted. I just couldn't choose between the blue one and the pink one because I didn't want to leave the other one all alone. I ended up closing my eyes and picking a hand of my mom's in which she was touching one of the bears; I got the blue one and was happy to take it home with me but I cried that I couldn't take the other one.

Why do I bring this up today? Well, I have to make a couple of decisions this week. Both are professionally related and impact not only me, but also my co-workers and my husband. One decision came to me yesterday regarding Wyoming Writing Project and a future endeavor with our directors and me in my school district. This one decision was a super easy and ecstatic YES! The other decision is much more difficult. A job has opened up that I would love to take and actually had discussed applying for in two or three years when I thought it would open. However, due to staff changes, it is open now. I would love to apply and accept it because it is something I enjoy, but I don't know if it is time to step out of the classroom yet. I don't know if I can leave students and parents whom I know I will be working with next fall. I don't know if I can leave my teammate. I don't know if I have the stamina for this other position even though I dipped my toes in the job a bit this year. Before spring break, I was all ready to say yes and apply. When I got home, I didn't want to leave the classroom. Yesterday, I wanted to apply. This morning, a student begged me to stay in the classroom so he could come see me next year after he starts in junior high. This afternoon, I felt like I was ready to apply again. I just am on the fence. The job closes next Tuesday, so I will be spending the next several days praying and making lists to weigh out the pros and cons of each choice. Tonight, though, I am going to do yoga and drink some wine.

Why don't we use it?

Today as I was washing dishes, I was transported back in time to when I was a little girl eating Easter dinner at my grandmother's with my family. I got to set the table with the fancy dishes from the China hutch. I was so excited! I got the key from the top of the hutch and carefully opened it carefully. Then I gently pulled out the glasses to set the table. We only used those glasses for special events. For the rest of the year, I would sit in front of the hutch and dream of having it my own home when I was a grown up. As I washed the dishes tonight, I couldn't stop thinking about why those dishes were only for special events.

When my grandmother died, I got the hutch and part of the glassware that was in it. I also got China from my great aunt. I didn't even remember those dishes but they sure are pretty. When I moved back to Wyoming, I carefully arranged all of them in the hutch on the doilies my grandmother had used. I polished the silver and made sure it was organized too. Then, it sat. Just like it had when my grandmother and her sister were alive. Until one day when I made dinner for my new boyfriend. I pulled out platters and plates, glasses and serving bowls. I used them and then carefully washed them before placing them oh so gently back in the China hutch. I did that several times. Then, my boyfriend asked why we were using them only for fancy dinners and using Walmart dishes the rest of the time. I didn't have a good answer, so we started using them every day.

As I washed dishes, I began to think about that. Whey do we use the good things in life only for fancy or special events? Why do we use the nicer things when we want to impress other people? I don't have answers for either question.

I no longer want to hold off using the best for just anyone. I want to use the best for every day. I don't want to worry about impressing others; I want to impress myself. I want to see the beauty around me and use it to make other people smile just because. I don't want to hide my pretty dress in a closet because it's too fancy for work; I want to wear it to look good! I want to show others, especially my students, that it is okay to enjoy life by not hiding away what is most special.

Beach Break #SOL

We arrived yesterday. 14 people in all. It was cloudy and cold and so windy. We still put  our feet in the water but then we ran back to the car to warm up. Okay, let’s be honest...I didn’t run, I never run, I didn’t even walk fast, but I tried to.  We ate, we drank, we laughed, we played games. It was fabulous.

This morning I was up for the sunrise. My husband got up with me, as did one of his sisters. We made coffee and hoped for the best as it was cloudy. At first, it was nothing. Just a reddish shadow behind the clouds. But once it stretched above them, it was gorgeous! (We used our “fancy” camera so I can’t share any with you yet, but I will when we get home!)

I just got in from some relaxing beach time. I almost got knocked over when an unexpectedly giant wave crashed onto the shore. I managed to stay upright and got wet just to my knees. I spent time reading and soaking up the sun while friends back home are stuck in 11 degree weather and digging out driveways from another snowstorm. I am now rubbing aloe on my face, legs, arms, and chest.   This is just what I’ve needed!

Final #SOL18 Post March 31

Technically, it is April 1st but I wrote this in my head last night. I had no internet yesterday as we traveled. We barely had time in airports for me to blog and then I chose to drive once we landed. I feel bad this did not get posted yesterday but it is what it is.

Yesterday day was a long day. Up at 2:15 AM and to the airport. Security took longer than I expected for DIA at 3:45 AM. No coffee shops open made the morning even longer. Two flights. Three airports. Then to a rental car place where there was an even longer line for two kind ladies behind the counter. To the car and then finally some food and caffeine. Four hour drive and then tears flowed.

Happy tears streamed down my face as I slammed the car into park and threw open my door to jump out to hug my best friend. I couldn’t let her go. This amazing woman and her husband helped me through the most difficult time in my life. I lived with them for two months as I worked through utter despair. I truly love them and will forever be indebted to them for saving me.